Falling With Style

Fall is upon us, which means one thing: hastily written content haphazardly related to the current season, by yours truly!

If I were to stop any random stranger on the street and ask them what they think of when they think of fall, they’d say, “You again? Get away from me! I’m calling the police!” But if I were to ask myself, I’d say three things: football, Halloween, and voting.

I love going to college football games, but not to see which team is better. See, there’s only one way to determine who the best college football team is, only a single, hard-knuckle arena that separates the contenders from the pretenders, and that is: performing an elaborate survey!

The official NCAA CFB ranking has moved far beyond such primitive metrics as “wins” or “losses.” In today’s data-driven society, we have access to complex algorithms and rating systems, and the computer processing power to come to meaningful conclusions about which teams are better than which.

So naturally, the way they rank college football teams is by asking a bunch of old sports writers. They give them a list of teams, and they circle the teams in crayon that they’ve heard of before, then take a sip of prune juice before going off and muttering about Austria-Hungary’s chances in the Great War.

No, I go to football games for that classic fall ambience. There’s nothing better than rooting for your Zion’s Bank Cougars to score a NuSkin First Down on a Wells Fargo Drive of the Game, screaming into the KenGarff Crowd Decibel Meter, only for your team to throw a Vivint Home Security Interception; and then watch your defense get the Wingstop Stop of the Game, only for them to suffer a Crumbl Cookie Defensive Lapse on third down, and then stand stoically as a player limps off the field during the Intermountain Health Care Injury Timeout. 

It’s as beautiful as seeing the leaves change colors.

I even love the Domo Half-time Performances and Adobe Timeouts. Most of them feature what is everyone’s actual favorite spectator sport, and the reason they come to games: CEOs with forced smiles holding giant checks for 2 minutes straight!

Other than the earthy and honest fall football experience, we’ve also got Halloween. And when I say “Halloween,” what I really mean to say is “candy.” And when I say “candy,” what I really mean to say is “way too much candy.” And when I say “way too much candy,” what I really mean to say is “multiple gallbladder attacks.”  

My kids’ gallbladders are fine, though (so far), so they went and rounded up obscene amounts of candy. But you have to be careful about the candy, with the kids these days being allergic to so many random things, like “peanuts,” or “gluten,” or “unpaid child labor.” 

Of course, it’s sad for those kids that so much Halloween candy has nuts in it. The obvious solution, though, is to exclusively hand out treats with fewer allergy risks and that are universally desirable, such as crack cocaine.

Growing up, I used to think that peanut allergies were a sign of some kind of moral deficiency. But now as a father of five peanut-allergic children, I’ve come to realize that I was definitely onto something. 

You know what my kids did with all their candy on Halloween night? Well, yes, they ate it all; but first, they lined up all their candy and battled each other with it, like little tanks and soldiers on a Risk board. The sour candies had poison attacks, and the tootsie pops were the most durable. (Spoiler: The Reese’s special attack is a failing gallbladder.) So that was a nice sneak peek into the wars of the next generation.

But until my children end the world in a sugar-filled bloodbath, we still get to vote on it! Today is Election Day, and as you’ve no doubt heard, democracy is on the ballot.

What does this mean? Where, on the ballot, is democracy exactly? The trick is that it’s not actually listed; you have to write in the word “democracy”. And it’s important that you do, because whichever party you hate is literally killing democracy. 

It sounds like we may be at the end of democracy, folks. It’s become unreliable, quaint, impotent, even confusing — kind of like our president. It’s a sad state of affairs, really; your enemies have made democracy corrupt, questionable, and pointless. That’s why it’s more important than ever that you go out there and vote!

And that concludes this special Sodalicious Pumpkin Spice Cookie Fall Edition of the Duzett Gazette. May your gallbladders remain healthy this fall, and may your enemies murder democracy slightly more slowly!

This article first appeared in the Duzett Gazette, the really official newsletter of Carl Duzett. Sign up here to get more content like this in your inbox, as well as some other content that isn’t quite like it, but is probably also good.

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