Spiderman: A Review

Spiderman: No Way Home is a veritable Frankenstein’s monster of spoilers, stitched together by the thin, stretched threads of Marvel humor. It’s nearly impossible to describe any further, and yet I shall, because you good people deserve a rigorous mostly-spoiler-free review, and because I won’t get paid otherwise. Also, I won’t get paid if I do, but somebody’s gotta make content for Mark Zuckerberg’s website, right?

As I’m sure you already know, Spiderman: No Way Home is about a spider who’s bitten by a radioactive human. He uses his newfound human powers – such as opposable thumbs, a predilection for seasonal coffee, and crippling anxiety – to fight spider crime and become New York City’s friendly neighborhood manspider.

Hm, that’s not right. Let me start again. Spiderman: Iron Man 6 continues the exciting Marvel trilogy about the exploits of everyone’s favorite superhero: Iron Man’s protege! Just because Spiderman was given his suit and webslingers from charismatic billionaire Iron Man and was taught how to be a hero by Iron Man doesn’t mean that Spidey can’t have his own adventures. Well, first we should probably have a whole movie where Iron Man mentors him, and another about how sad he is when Iron Man dies, but then inherits a bunch of Iron Man’s stuff and is then targeted by the people who hated Iron Man, and then this movie opens with a big public debate about whether he can be the next Iron Man, and then Iron Man Iron Man Iron Man Iron Man–

Ughh, blegh; sorry about that. No, Spiderman: No Way Home is actually about a young hero stepping out from the shadows of his mentors and rising to his destiny. He must somehow survive his guardian falling for an obvious trap, navigate the multiple identities thrust upon him, deal with Zendaya not knowing who he is, and above all else, ensure that the spice of Arrakis continues to flow for the glory of the Padishah Emperor Shaddam IV.

Wait, no, that’s the other one. Uh, hold on. Spiderman: No Way Home is really, when you get down to it, a movie about science, and how science is the root of all evil. The villains are all something-of-a-scientists-themselves, and living proof that following the science just leads to falling in a vat and becoming a supervillain. We learn that the best way to save the world is not through science, but through alternative solutions, like literal witchcraft and wizardry. Or is that Spiderman: Too Close to Home?

Anyway, the real Spiderman: No Way Home is the story of a scrappy multimedia entertainment empire who just can’t get the rights to the film property they need, and how finally they’re able to wrest them from an evil – but admittedly much smaller – entertainment company. Our hero must grapple with beloved character and story assets in shallow and fleeting ways before ultimately disposing of them, while also navigating crossover properties and displaying levels of transparent fan service usually reserved for Harry Potter fan fiction. Above all, this plucky entertainment monopoly must hold true to its inviolable creed: with great power comes great predictability.

Well, I hope you found one or more of the above reviews useful; I’m apparently still very confused myself about what movie I actually saw, but I heartily recommend and/or condemn the film/s. I look forward to the next installment of the Manspider franchise, where Peter Parker and Zendaya go to college and learn to ride sand worms from Iron Man’s ghost…

Oh, right. Spoiler alert.

This article first appeared in the Duzett Gazette, the really official newsletter of Carl Duzett. Sign up here to get more content like this in your inbox, as well as some other content that isn’t quite like it, but is probably also good.

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