The Batman – The Review

Do you want to watch a movie that takes place in a city where it never stops raining, and where they still actually listen to grunge music, and that features Robert Pattinson playing a bat-related protagonist? Then boy do I have two movies for you!

THE BATMAN is the latest DC Batman movie, but is not technically part of the DC Extended Universe. In this alternate DC universe, the Batman is played by the Robert Pattinson in a Gotham City full of flying buttresses, and where Facebook is probably still called The Facebook. And you’re not going to believe this, but in this universe, Gotham City is full of corruption.

Apparently the best way to deal with this corruption, according to the Riddler, is to call the Batman’s attention to it via a series of conveniently specific Hallmark cards he special-ordered from Etsy. (And, obviously, by killing people.) Will Batman – er, sorry – THE Batman be able to solve the mystery and stop the Riddler?

The movie is very well cast. Catwoman is played by an attractive Zoe Kravitz, only to be outdone by Colin Farrell in his most attractive role ever as the Penguin. They even had Gollum from Lord of the Rings do an extremely lifelike motion-capture portrayal of Alfred. And yet all these performances are eclipsed by the masterfully menacing presence of the Riddler, who is played by a Kroger’s grocery bag with glasses.

One common criticism of the film is its long runtime, but I think that complaint is overstated. What these moviegoers fail to appreciate is that director Matt Reeves started with over 220 hours of footage, and he should be revered and applauded for the fact he was able to cut that all the way down to the final cinematic release length of 219 hours.

A particular highlight for me in this film were the riddles. My favorite riddles were the unsolved riddles still hanging at the end of the film and that stay with you as you leave the theater, such as “Was that really a Nirvana song in the year 2022?” or “Does the word ‘the’ in ‘The Batman’ imply the existence of other Batmen?” or “Oh gosh oh please where is the nearest restroom?”

That’s all fine and dandy, of course, but we here at Carl Duzett Move Reviews are committed to providing objective, measurable reviews, and so it’s time to cut through the fluff and give you a hard rating. How would I rate THE BATMAN, and is it better than THE DARK KNIGHT? Well, as I’m sure you’re all aware, there’s only one good metric for grading Batman movies, and that’s the bat-to-man ratio.

I’m pleased to report that while THE BATMAN continues the established franchise pattern of including many men, it also includes a non-trivial number of bats. By my count, the final bat-to-man ratio comes in at 0.027, which is a respectable number that puts it well ahead of the 0.0018 bat-man-ratio of THE DARK KNIGHT, but still far behind the number-one 0.9 rating of BATMAN BEGINS, putting THE BATMAN squarely in the top three of all Batman films.

Well, that’s it for my The Review of THE BATMAN. Thanks as always, my dear The Facebook friends, and may you all have an excellent the day!

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