The First Stage of Grief is Da Nile

Eager to keep up to date on the hottest new entertainment, so as to better inform my handsome and virtuous readers, I recently watched the hot new film Death on the Nile. You can watch it for free on probably seven different streaming services, or, like me, you can pay $412 to watch it on a Delta airplane.

Death on the Nile is the second of two movies based on Agatha Christie’s famous murder mysteries, featuring her fussy French detective, Hercule Poirot. In this movie, we follow Poirot on a scenic cruise set in one of the most breathtaking locations in the world: the green screen.

This movie had a disappointing amount of death, and even less Nile. I did the math, and I am not making this up, but approximately 740 minutes of this movie consist of either desperate homages to Dirty Dancing or the superhero origin story for Hercule Poirot’s Mustache.

But finally, they get Hercule Poirot’s Mustache on a boat with a rich heiress who’s terrified of being murdered, and about a dozen of her closest enemies. You’ll never believe what happens to her next.

Oh, by the way, this is her honeymoon. I’m not sure how I would feel if my wife had demanded that we bring a bunch of her closest enemies on our honeymoon, along with Hercule Poirot’s Mustache, but I’m sure there’d be a really good reason for it. Like wanting to get immediately murdered.

It must be tiring to be Hercule Poirot. Every time he’s gone on vacation, someone gets murdered there. The man cannot get away from his work. It makes me wonder: If he were an accountant and went on safari, would the lions of the savannah conduct an emergency audit or something? If you’re relaxing on the beach but you see Shark Hunter Poirot sun-tanning next to you and chuckling at his Charles Dickens book, do you pack it in?

Well, it turns out Poirot wasn’t just spending his vacation creepily attending someone else’s honeymoon; he was actually also creepily stalking some black women to verify whether they were fit to marry a rich white guy. You know, just like in the book. 

Anyway, I’m not going to spoil any more of the movie, except to say that someone may or may not die in it, and that the location of that death may or may not be on the Nile. (I should write mysteries!)

How would I rate this movie? I’d probably give it one star for every actual pyramid and/or Nile in it.

I thought that would be quite a low score, but once we stand my score in front of a green screen, it turns out to be a 5/5 stars rating!

This article first appeared in the Duzett Gazette, the really official newsletter of Carl Duzett. Sign up here to get more content like this in your inbox, as well as some other content that isn’t quite like it, but is probably also good.

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