The Grinch Who Stole Crimea

So I hate to tell you this, but it’s come to my attention through various media sources and government spokesfolk that Vladimir Putin has been ruining things. Causing a real mess, in fact.

You see, late at night, after everyone is snug in their beds, dreams of Soda of a Particular Brand dancing in their heads, Putin sneaks around to every gas station and grocery store in the world and marks up all the prices. And that whole invading Ukraine thing, what with the killing of thousands of Ukrainians; that’s not a great look, either.

But these prices are causing some real problems, and nobody really knows how to get Putin to cut this whole inflation business out.

I mean, if we got the entire international community to change our profile pictures to sunflowers and sing John Lennon’s “Imagine” while holding hands in a giant circle, Putin’s heart would grow ten sizes and he’d give all his nukes away. Obviously. But unfortunately, not enough people have changed their profile picture yet.

The real question, though, is this: Why, Putinclaus, why? 

Why did Putin even invade Ukraine in the first place?

My extensive experience in foreign diplomacy suggests that Putin invades Ukraine every six years or so mostly to prevent NATO from getting 5 reinforcements on their next turn for controlling all of Europe. 

But then there’s this crazy theory posed by the Kremlin itself, which is that Ukraine has to be liberated because it’s full of Nazis. Which is ludicrous, obviously; how is that justification for invading a country? I mean, we all knew calling someone a Nazi is how you cancel someone on Twitter in the 21st century, but I didn’t expect it to also be how you cancel a nation.

Putin clearly just hates the West, but why? Is it possible that it’s actually our fault? Is it because of Rocky IV? Is it all the terrible Russian accents in our movies? I mean, Harrison Ford’s accent in K-19: The Widowmaker is pretty awful, but that doesn’t make us Nazis, right?

It seems absolutely unhinged to call a nation a Nazi just because you don’t like that they’re getting friendly with NATO. I mean, what do NATO countries have to do with Nazism? Apart from the fact that one of them literally invented it, I mean.

Putin’s lost it; he’s clearly paranoid. He hasn’t been himself, and you could actually tell as far back as last December, because the Kremlin didn’t release a 2022 monthly calendar of Putin wrestling polar bears shirtless. (I have no idea how he gets the shirts off those polar bears, but the evidence is clear.) 

Reports say that Putin sees Nazis in every shadow. I heard that Putin is so paranoid of the West, he went to a Russian sex trafficking den and shot all the sex traffickers, just because he suspected them of running a secret American pizzeria in the basement. 

The moral of this story is really to just not worry so much about Nazis, or else you, too, may find yourself invading Ukraine.

But I think what Putin needs is some work-life balance. He needs to relax a bit, and maybe stop killing Ukrainians. We should get him on that Kardashian show, show him we’re not so bad.

Actually, on second thought… maybe we better start learning the words to “Imagine.”

This article first appeared in the Duzett Gazette, the really official newsletter of Carl Duzett. Sign up here to get more content like this in your inbox, as well as some other content that isn’t quite like it, but is probably also good.

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The Grinch Who Stole Crimea

So I hate to tell you this, but it’s come to my attention through various media sources and government spokesfolk that Vladimir Putin has been ruining things. Causing a real mess, in fact.