Why We Should Vote For Evan McMullin

Whenever I watch the BYU Cougars play the Utah Utes in football, I find myself wishing that somehow a third team would win: the BYUtah Utars, an exact average of the other two teams in aggregate.

Perhaps you are like me. Perhaps when watching a tug-of-war, you don’t think either team pulling the rope should win, but the wet brown puddle in the middle should win instead.

That is why I am voting for Evan McMullin, and why you should, too.

I could write eleven paragraphs about Mike Lee and Donald Trump, and that would obviously be explanation enough. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from major elections, it’s that choosing the lesser evil should be applauded, and anything else is just throwing your vote away like an immoral idiot.

But my goal is to persuade you to vote for Evan McMullin based on his actual qualities, his je ne sais quoi. And let me tell you, he has a whole lot of je ne sais quoi going on.

The best thing about Evan McMullin is how vaguely, generically middle he is. He is taking the most important stance of all, which is to have no defined stance. In such chaotic times as these, with so much confusion and uncertainty, what America needs right now is a confused, uncertain politician who best represents the moment.

One major concern right now in our country is crushing debt. Some say that McMullin has no relevant experience to help lead our country through this trial. But he actually still owes millions of dollars from his last failed campaign. The man is just like you and me.

If you hit refresh enough times on thispersondoesnotexist.com, a picture of Evan McMullin appears. This is stunning and brave. He will be the first politician to represent a historically underrepresented group: AI-generated beings who don’t actually exist.

Some people say that Evan McMullin has no relevant background for being a senator. I say that he has the most relevant background of all: retiring from the CIA and promising that his days of lying are over. Who else can make a promise like that? Certainly no one with as much experience!

My main concern is if McMullin is exactly in the middle enough. Sometimes I worry he is accidentally too slightly-right to be an exact average of the aggregate political opinions of the most recent survey of likely voters, which would make him a dangerous extremist.

And I was glad to hear his aspirations for being like Senator Mitt Romney, but I sometimes worry that his lack of stated principles will make it difficult for him to flip-flop enough to match Romney. However, he has illustrated the moral fortitude necessary to flip-flop on some major things, like from conservatism to modern liberalism, or from being an egg-headed bachelor to ordering an instant family online.

Maybe Evan McMullin’s best quality is creating an opportunity for competition. Like many others, I have strong beliefs about government, human rights, and the sanctity of life, but I find it distasteful when my strongly held values win elections by large margins. I much prefer to instead see my values narrowly win out against hellish alternatives, or, even better, take turns with the hellish alternatives. I think that’s only fair.

And Evan McMullin is anything but unfair. He’s also anything but Mike Lee, or Donald Trump. Additionally, he is not Barack Obama. Furthermore, he is not Abraham Lincoln. He also is not Bill Clinton, or Elon Musk, or even Mitt Romney. But that’s not all. Evan McMullin is also not George Washington, or Michael Jackson. Nor is he the Hamburglar, or Steven King, or Al Capone, or Al Sharpton. He is not Sherlock Holmes. And lest we forget, Evan McMullin is also not George R.R. Martin, Aristotle, Danny Lyons, or Dwight Eisenhower.

I could go on forever. There are literally billions of people that Evan McMullin is not, and that is a difficult quality to top.

And that is why we should all vote for Evan McMullin.

This article first appeared in the Duzett Gazette, the really official newsletter of Carl Duzett. Sign up here to get more content like this in your inbox, as well as some other content that isn’t quite like it, but is probably also good.

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